


Happy Birthday, Alec Hardy

by orphan_account



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Fluff, Humour, Idiots in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 12:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5539631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set a few months post S2. It’s Alec Hardy’s birthday, and his best friend Ellie Miller takes him out drinking to celebrate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Birthday, Alec Hardy

It was Alec Hardy’s forty-fourth birthday, and despite all his desperate attempts to conceal that fact from Ellie, she had discovered the truth and immediately set about planning a day of festivities for him.

‘This was your doing, wasn’t it? You're the one who told,’ Alec hissed to his smirking daughter as Ellie forced a party hat over his head. The thin elastic caught on his whiskers. ‘Ouch!’

‘Oh, stop complaining,’ Ellie said, fixing it into place. She stood back and admired her work. ‘Perfect. I’ll be right back.’

She bustled out of the room and dimmed the lights. Alec slumped in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest, his morose countenance contrasting sharply with the merry party hat sitting atop his head. Daisy laughed and snapped a picture on her phone. Fred bounced excitedly in his booster seat, his own too-big hat falling over his eyes. Tom straightened it for him.

‘And now… drumroll please!’ Ellie said, and Tom obligingly struck up a beat on the tabletop. She entered the room carrying the saddest, most lopsided chocolate cake he had ever seen. To compensate for its lacklustre appearance, she had jammed in as many candles as was humanly possible and set the whole thing ablaze. One candle had been inserted sideways, and he watched as it slid from its perch and fell onto the plate.

‘Hap-py birth-day to you…’ Ellie began, and the kids joined in to create a discordant, yet enthusiastic, choir.

Still singing, Ellie set the cake in front of him. The candles flared alarmingly bright. They were quite close together already, and the effect of being allowed to burn in a steady and stationary position on the table led suddenly to them joining forces to create a single inferno.

Ellie broke off the song. ‘Oh no – oh God, fire! Fire!’ She flapped her hands at it and blew, but it only made the cake blaze more brilliantly. ‘Oh, Jesus, fire!'

‘I’m on it,’ Tom said, who was evidently used to such mishaps happening when his mother cooked. Alec’s jacket happened to be sitting on the back of his chair; he seized it and used it to beat out the flames. While they all screamed, Fred showed singular commitment to his art and continued to sing at the top of his lungs.

Tom smothered the cake and the last candle died. Smoke billowed everywhere, and Fred concluded, ‘Happy bir-day to… you!'

‘Make a wish, Dad,’ Daisy coughed, waving the smoke from her face.

Alec remained slumped and stared at the smouldering cake and ruined jacket in front of him. The smoke alarm went off, and he winced. The noise gave Fred such a start that he shrieked, tumbled out of his booster seat, and began to cry. Tom, Daisy and Ellie ran in circles, alternately trying to open a window, comfort Fred, and turn off the alarm. The kitchen dissolved into a chorus of screams, only just audible above the piercing wail of the device.

Alec sighed.

*

The rest of the day’s activities were, fortunately, not nearly so incendiary. Ellie took them out to the country for some nature walks and they found an old hedge maze, rose gardens, farmsteads, and other pretty pastoral diversions. Daisy was able to make friends with a horse, and Tom had lush green fields to kick his football in.

Towards the end of the day, Fred blundered into a blackberry bush while glutting himself on berries, and Alec had to go in and extract him. The boy repaid his efforts by throwing up on his trousers.

Alec returned the squalling Fred to his mother, only to find that Ellie had picked a fight with a man significantly larger than herself. Tom had apparently kicked his football through a window, and was standing sheepishly to one side while she handled the situation with her typical tact and grace.

‘And that goes double for your mother!’ she was roaring. 'Don't you ever speak to my son that way again!

The man purpled and took a step closer. Thrusting Fred towards Daisy, who was laughing and filming the confrontation on her phone, Alec swiftly intervened and convinced Ellie to let him speak to the man alone. Fuming, Ellie took the kids and left, and Alec shelled out £200 cash to appease the man's fury.

He returned to the car. Ellie was cleaning blackberry juice off Fred and wiping his mouth.

‘It’s all sorted,’ Alec said.

‘Thanks,’ said Ellie. 'Rude bastard. Shouting at Tom like that. It was only an accident.' She looked up. ‘What happened to your trousers?’

‘Fred threw up on me.’

‘Oh, poor Fred!’ she coddled the sulky boy and kissed him. ‘You ate too many blackberries, didn’t you? Never mind.’ To Alec, she said, ‘you’re not getting in the car with those stinky trousers on. Here, I’ve got a pair of Tom’s football shorts you can change into. It’s got a drawstring, so it should stretch enough.’

Alec tried to argue the point, but was swiftly overruled. Easing out of the sticky trousers, he pulled the football shorts on. They were far too small for him, and Ellie and Tom nearly died laughing when they saw him.

‘Where’s Daisy?’ Alec asked, ignoring them.

‘Over there,’ Ellie pointed. ‘Talking to some boy.’

‘Boy?’ Alec thundered. He turned, saw the offending male specimen, and stalked over to separate them, forgetting that he was wearing children’s shorts.

‘Do you think he’s having a good birthday?’ Tom asked.

Alec approached Daisy, placed his hands sternly on his hips and spoke to the boy, who hastily departed. Distantly, they could hear Daisy berating her father for being "embarrassing" and a "sod".

‘Yes,’ Ellie said. ‘I think he is.’

*

Alec was in a damp mood when they returned to Ellie’s house, but when she casually asked whether he’d enjoyed himself, he replied with a grunt that was shaped more like a yes than a no.

Ellie smiled triumphantly. ‘Good!’ she said. ‘Because the party doesn’t stop here!’

‘It doesn’t?’ His face fell.

‘Nope. I’m taking you out drinking tonight. We’re gonna get _hammered.’_

Patiently, he replied: ‘No.’

‘Yes,’ she said, undeterred. ‘It’s already decided. I’ve been dying to go out, and this gives me the perfect excuse.’

‘No,’ he said again.

An hour later, he and Ellie were dressed up and ready for a night on the town. As they departed, Alec gave Daisy a lingering kiss on the forehead and told her he loved her.

‘Gross, Dad,’ Daisy said. She glanced from side to side and furtively muttered, ‘love you too.’

‘Daisy’s in charge until we get back,’ Ellie told Tom. If there’s an emergency, call Mark and Beth. They’re just across the field, and I’ve asked them to check on you later tonight. Make sure you don’t stay up too late.’

‘I _know_ , Mum,’ Tom said irritably. She kissed his forehead.

‘I love you. Even more than chocolate.’

Tom’s cheeks flushed bright crimson and he mumbled something in reply.

Since Fred was already sleeping off his blackberry hangover, there was no need for a third goodbye. Tom and Daisy waved them off.

‘Don’t stay out too late!’ Daisy called.

‘Watch out for strangers,’ Tom added helpfully.

‘Don’t drink and drive.’

‘Don’t give in to peer pressure! Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you have to do it!’

‘And remember,’ Daisy said, ‘if a strange boy puts his hand on you and you don’t want it there, break it off!’

Ellie was impressed. ‘I’ll remember that.’

‘I was talking to Dad!’

Alec growled a warning and she flashed him a cheeky grin. He and Ellie blew kisses to their children, who scattered as if they were fleeing from gunfire and went hooting back into the house.

*

‘This is gonna be fun,’ Ellie said. She clinked glasses with Alec and took a long draught. He mirrored her and grimaced. ‘I mean, it’s nice when you and Daisy come to visit and we can all spend time together as a family, but it’s been ages since you and I have had some alone time. You know, when we’re not investigating horrific murders.’

Alec watched a droplet of condensation slide down the side of the glass. It hit the counter and he nudged it with a fingertip. ‘I hope the kids will be all right.’

‘Mark and Beth are checking in on them. They’ll be fine.’

He traced a line through the condensation. ‘This is the first birthday I got to spend with Daisy in three years.’

Ellie lowered the glass from her face. ‘Seriously?’

‘Mm.’

‘God, I’m sorry. That’s so sad.’

‘S’all right. We had fun today.’ With considerable effort, he added, ‘thanks.’

‘I’m sorry it wasn’t more special,’ Ellie said. ‘I would have planned a proper party for you, but I couldn’t think of anyone to invite since you don’t have any friends.’

He sighed.

‘Sorry about the cake, too,’ she added. ‘And your jacket. And your trousers. And the window. Christ, it really went tits up, didn’t it?’

He shrugged, unperturbed.

'I didn’t ask,’ Ellie went on curiously. ‘What did Daisy get you?’

Alec’s mouth set in a hard line. He grunted.

‘What?’

‘Nose hair trimmers.’ When Ellie made it clear she still could not hear, he said, more loudly, ‘nose hair trimmers and Batman boxer shorts.’

A fit of laughter seized her.

‘Daisy thought it was hilarious too,’ he said as she banged a fist on the table. ‘Her card opened with the words, “Now that you’re tremendously old…”’

‘Well,’ Ellie said, looking at him with adoration. ‘Here's to you, Hardy, and your horrendous old age and unkempt nose hairs. Happy birthday.’

They clinked glasses again.

*

The night grew darker, and Ellie and Alec grew more tipsy.

‘It’s hard, Miller,’ Alec said. He was beginning to slur his words and his eyes were slightly unfocused. ‘It’s hard being on my own. It’s hard to find anyone who will date me, what with being a divorced father and a detective with a heart condition…’

‘And then your personality on top of that…’

‘I just miss being married. Not necessarily Tess. Just being married. Having someone to love, you know?’

His eyes screwed up and he began to sob, pressing his head against the counter.

‘Oh God,’ Ellie said. She patted his back awkwardly. ‘Oh no. Look – erm, how about I get us some shots? Shots? Yeah?’

He cried even louder.

‘Shots,’ Ellie nodded, and gestured to the bartender.

Alec peeled his forehead from the counter and squinted at Ellie. She picked off some nuts and grit that had become stuck to his face.

‘Thanks.’ His face twisted. ‘You’re nice. You’re so nice and pretty.’

‘Jesus, Hardy, when was the last time you drank?’ She licked her thumb and used it to swipe away a sticky smear of alcohol on his eyebrow.

‘I don’t remember,’ he said. ‘With the heart condition, I couldn’t for ages. I sure wish I _could_ have drank. All those nights waking up in a sweat, dreaming about Pippa Gillespie in my arms, thinking I was drowning…’

'Good grief.’

‘…and missing Daisy so much, missing Tess, and having to come home to an empty hotel room every night. I would have given anything to be able to drink away the pain then…’

‘Oh Jesus…’

‘But then, of course, I would have just turned into my father. He was an alcoholic, you know. Used to go after mum and me when he’d been drinking.’

‘God…’

‘Suppose I’m grateful for the debilitating heart condition now. At least it meant I didn’t turn into my father.’

‘Stop. Please stop,’ Ellie begged. ‘I can’t take any more. That’s the saddest series of images I’ve ever heard.’

His eyes screwed up. ‘Oh, my life! I’m forty-four and my life is nothing!’

He collapsed onto Ellie’s shoulder. ‘Okay, okay,’ she soothed, rubbing his arm. ‘Let it out. Let it all out. You’re with me, you’re okay.’

The bartender placed two shots next to them. ‘We’re gonna need more than that!’ she yelled as Alec cried sloppily against her.

After some coaxing, Alec took the shot with Ellie. He wiped his mouth and made a face.

‘Blech,’ Ellie agreed. ‘Look, chin up, all right? We’re here to celebrate. Don’t worry about the future or your shitty, miserable life. Let’s just have fun.’

Hardy watched as she helped herself to some beer nuts. ‘I haven’t had sex in three years,’ he told her.

She choked and half a cashew came flying out of her mouth.

‘Christ,’ she said, coughing and pounding on her chest. ‘Too much information.’

‘I haven’t since Tess left me,’ he went on. ‘I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve got nice hair, at least. Good arse. That’s important, a good arse.’

He touched his bum self-consciously. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah. Not that I’ve been looking or anything.’

‘I suppose I shouldn’t be too down about it. I mean, you haven’t had sex since you left your partner either.’

Ellie pursed her lips and looked away.

‘Have you?'

‘May have shagged someone.’

‘Fuck off! Who? Is he taller than me? Better-looking?’

‘Don’t get your pants in a twist! He was just some bloke from the pub.’

‘A one night stand? _You_ managed to have a one night stand?’

‘Oh, thanks very much!' she huffed. 'You think I couldn’t?’

‘But every time _I_ tried to have one… how long did it take you to find one?’

‘About ten minutes, I guess? He was like a fly around shit. Couldn’t get him off me.’

Alec was apoplectic. The next round of shots was deposited next to them, and he bitterly downed his, Ellie following suit.

‘Ah well,’ he sighed as he put the glass down. ‘I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised. If I were him, I probably would’ve tried to pick you up too.’

Ellie was really starting to feel woozy now. ‘Why?’

‘Because you’re beautiful.’

She leaned against the counter and propped her chin on her hand. ‘How would you have done it?’ she asked. ‘Go on, what would’ve been your move? You see me sitting there,’ she gestured up and down her body with a goofy grin, ‘a beautiful stranger, all alone. What do you do? Go on, just for fun.’

He ran his tongue over his teeth. ‘I’d probably walk up to you.’

‘Mm-hmm.’

‘And say, “Is this seat taken?”’

‘Mmm.’

‘Uh-uh, now you have to tell me what your response would be.’

She cocked her head at him. ‘Well, I’d say the seat was free.’

‘Okay. Then I’d ask for your name.’

‘Ellie.’

‘Ellie,' he repeated. 'I’d tell you my name was Alec. Then I’d ask…’ his gaze flicked over her and he smiled. “‘What are you doing for the rest of your life?’”

Ellie burst into a fit of giggles. ‘You’re the worst,’ she said, slapping his arm.

‘Would it have worked?’

‘Maybe. We’ll see.’

‘Can I?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Can I call you Ellie? Just for tonight?

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Yeah, course. If I can call you Al -’

A tremendous burp interrupted the enunciation of the last syllable. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand and giggled again.

‘Al,’ she said. ‘I can call you Al.’

He frowned deeply, so deeply that he almost seemed to be back to his sober self. ‘No.’

‘Al.’

‘No.’

‘Big Al. My buddy Al. Al Jolson. Al Pacino. Al Capone.'

She sat still for a few moments, trying to think of more.

‘Al Jazeera.’

‘ _No.’_

‘Give me your wallet.’

‘Why?’

‘Just give it.’

‘No.’

‘Give it to me!’

Ellie leapt on him and started wrestling him. He shrieked.

‘Get off! You’re pulling my trousers down!’

‘Got it!’ she exclaimed triumphantly. She pulled a fistful of coins free and threw it back in his face. He watched, baffled, as she disappeared to the other side of the bar.

The jukebox started up, and a new song began playing. After a few confused moments, he recognised it as Paul Simon’s _You Can Call Me Al._

Ellie sashayed her way back over to him, singing along all the time. She waved an imaginary lasso over her head and threw it around him, then pulled it inexorably towards her.

‘Come on,’ she called when he remained seated. ‘Are you drunk enough to be any fun yet?’

Alec sighed, and let the pull of her lasso drag him onto the dingy dance floor.

They danced together, and Alec’s enthusiasm increased. They reached the chorus and in a tremendously loud voice he sang to Ellie:

 _“If you'll be my bodyguard_  
_I can be your long lost pal_  
_I can call you Ellie_  
_And Ellie when you call me_  
_You can call me Al.”_

The entire pub stared at them. Ellie started laughing and fell against his chest. He circled her waist and took one of her hands in his, leading her in a merry little circle.

The song ended, and they played it again.

*

‘Big finish! Big finish!’ Ellie exclaimed. ‘Can you do a lift?’

‘Yes!’ Alec said.

Ellie ran at him and jumped into his arms. As soon as they collided he fell heavily onto his arse. They lay prone for a while, laughing, until Alec sprang up and yelled, ‘again!’

He approached the jukebox, but a beefy man with no discernible neck stopped him.

‘Enough!’ he roared, making Alec recoil. ‘You’ve played this song eight times now! Give it a rest, will you?’

Ellie stalked forward. ‘How dare you,’ she hissed, shielding Alec’s body with her own. ‘How dare you abuse this poor boy. Have you no respect - no _decency?_ Have you any idea what he’s been through?’

‘Yeah!’ Alec agreed.

‘He found a little girl in a river – his wife left him for another man, he lost his daughter, he’s got a personality like a horse’s arse…’

‘Yeah!’

‘He hasn’t had sex in three years!’

‘Yeah!’

‘He’s had a horrible - fucking miserable life!’

‘Yeah!’

‘ _Look at him!'_

‘YEAH!’

The beefy man looked between them. ‘Fine,’ he relented, throwing up his hands. ‘Fine, play the damn song!’

‘Don’t you swear at us,’ Ellie snarled. She went to attack him but Alec roped her in his arms.

‘No, Ellie no, he’s not worth it, _he’s not worth it.’_ He patted her face with one hand and hugged her while she hissed and made spitting noises.

‘I got my eye on you,’ she said. When Alec had almost gotten her away, the man made a fatal mistake.

‘That’s right, keep your bitch on a leash.’

He didn’t even see Ellie’s fist coming.

*

‘You can’t kick me out!’ Ellie yelled as she struggled to upright herself in the trash. ‘I'm a policeman! I’m a policemanwoman! Throw _him_ out instead!’

Alec came hurtling out of the pub door and crashed on top of her. Satisfied, the owner dusted his hands and let the door swing shut. Alec seemed to think the situation was hilarious, and giggled as he lay on top of her.

‘Get off!’ Ellie protested, slapping his side. ‘You’re heavy!’

He rolled off her and got unsteadily to his feet, still grinning. Offering his hand to Ellie, he pulled her up, and Ellie plucked a banana peel from her hair.

‘Ma’am?’ someone said.

She looked up. Two police officers were standing in front of her.

‘Ellie? DS Miller?’ the officer went on.

‘Ah shit, it’s the pigs!’ Ellie exclaimed. ‘That rat bastard snitched on us! Run, Alec, run!’

She seized Alec’s hand and sprinted away, towing the loping, giggly Scot behind her. The beat cops watched her go, bewildered expressions on their faces.

‘Should we do something?’ the woman asked.

The man was already texting someone. ‘Wait until the rest of the station hears about _this_.’

*

They were sitting in a slightly nicer pub now, one with clean floors and a shaved bartender. Ellie was busy shelling a bowl of peanuts.

‘You’re too skinny,’ she complained as she shoved a handful of nuts into Alec’s face. ‘You need to eat.’

Alec kept his mouth shut and the nuts scattered across the table. Ellie mashed them more insistently against his lips and he made a groaning noise at the back of his throat.

‘Open up,’ Ellie said. She started to become more violent. ‘You’re too _skinny._ Do you want to die?’

He scowled. She decided to try a different tactic. Taking a single peanut between her thumb and forefinger, she traced a meandering path through the air.

‘Choo choo. Here comes the aeroplane.’ She jabbed it against his lips. ‘Open up the tunnel.’

‘Planes don’t choo,’ Alec objected. Before he could say any more, Ellie jammed the peanut between his teeth and he choked. Now defeated, he sagged against the counter and allowed Ellie to feed him nuts without further resistance.

‘I will make you fat,’ Ellie promised as she carefully shelled a nut and shoved it in his mouth. ‘You will be fat and beautiful. Like a whale.’

‘Or a hippo,’ Alec said optimistically.

‘I want you healthy. You nearly died on me, you know? Twice. You bastard.’

‘I didn’t though. I pulled through.’

‘Are you all fixed up? No chance of your heart exploding anymore?’

‘I’m fine.’

‘I want to make sure. Let me see it.’

She halted her conveyor belt of peanuts and Alec unbuttoned his shirt, revealing a thin red scar above his collarbone. Ellie lowered her head and printed a kiss on it.

‘There. All better,’ she said, giving it a pat.

‘Thank you,’ Alec said. He buttoned up and slouched against the counter again.

She shelled another three nuts. Alec obligingly opened his mouth, accepted them from her hand, and chewed. She patted his hair. Her rough pats slowly became more gentle, and turned to a stroking motion.

‘Your hair is so nice,’ she said. ‘It’s like stroking a beautiful pony.’

‘I need to wee-wee,’ Alec told her.

‘Go, my stallion,’ Ellie said.

Alec rose unsteadily and staggered to the toilet.

When he returned, a man was speaking to Ellie.

‘Come on, love, just let me buy ya drink!’ the man wheedled.

‘I said no,’ Ellie snapped, whose irritability had apparently sobered her up. ‘Now bugger off!’

‘Listen, I’m trying to be a gentleman here…’

‘Oh, so harassing women is being gentlemanly, is it?’

‘Harassing? How is offering you a drink harassing you?’

Alec approached her. ‘You okay?’ he asked. ‘Ellie, is he bothering you?’

The man glanced Alec up and down, looking unimpressed. ‘You with him, then? This skinny bastard?’

Ellie’s eyes flashed. Alec identified her fury immediately and took a sharp step backwards, but to his surprise she adopted a sickly sweet smile. ‘No, he’s not with me,’ she told the man. ‘In fact, you know what? I will take that drink after all. A lager, if you please.’

The man looked pleased at this turn of events. He seated himself opposite Ellie and signalled the bartender. Alec looked on in confusion.

‘I _was_ being rude, wasn’t I?’ Ellie said. ‘Here you were just trying to buy me a drink, and here I was having the gall to refuse! As if I had the right!’

Alec tugged nervously on her sleeve. ‘Ellie…’

She held up a hand to silence him.

‘How ‘bout you piss off, mate,’ the man said. ‘She’s with me now.’

‘That’s right,’ Ellie purred. The bartender left the lager on the table. She ran her hand up the man’s thigh and continued, ‘I’m with him. This fine, upstanding gentleman, who enjoys harassing woman, insulting men, and who won’t take no for an answer. And who just bought me a drink!’

With that, she tipped the lager over his head. As he gasped and wiped the sopping hair from his eyes, she threw him viciously out of the bar stool and sent him sprawling to the floor.

‘When a woman says no she means it!’ Ellie yelled. Alec grabbed her and tried to pull her away, but she had one final point to make. ‘And no-one gets to call this bastard a bastard but me!’

Without further ado, the two of them fled before the man could gather his cronies.

*

They came to a third pub, a swanky joint with neon lights and tattooed servers. Ellie was standing by the bar getting drinks and talking loudly to a sympathetic bartender.

‘It’s really weird,’ she said. ‘It’s annoying, right? I mean, he’s such a bastard. But no matter how many offers I get from other blokes, or how many dates I go on, I never want to shag anyone but him. I’ll have this normal, nice, friendly guy in front of me and all I can think is how I wish I were looking at _his_ shitty face. And how I want that beard of his all over my body.’

‘If you’re talking about the tall, sweaty guy you came in with, you should probably snap him up now,’ the server said. ‘Because it looks like you’ve got some competition.’

She pointed and Ellie looked around. A young blonde woman was talking to Alec and tossing her hair flirtatiously. Her breasts, large as melons, hung in his face.

A black cloud descended over Ellie. She threw some money on the counter, with enough for a generous tip, picked up the drinks, and marched over to the table.

‘Oh! Do excuse me!’ Ellie exclaimed as she walked into the back of the woman. She turned around and Ellie fell onto her again, this time slopping the drinks onto her ample bosoms. ‘Whoops! I am so clumsy.’

Slamming the drinks on the table, she seized a bunch of napkins and used them to blot the woman’s breasts from view.

‘I am so sorry about that,’ Ellie said as she piled the napkins on. ‘My name’s Ellie. And who might you be?’

‘This is Rosie,’ Alec said.

‘Ah, Rosie!’ Ellie exclaimed. She seized Rosie’s hand and shook it roughly. Her own hand was still sopping wet from the drinks, which meant Rosie’s came away sticky. ‘Good to meet you!’

Rosie looked deeply unimpressed. She turned to Alec. ‘You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend,’ she said reproachfully.

‘Oh, she’s not my -’ Alec began.

‘Yes.’ Ellie seated herself on Alec’s lap. ‘I am his girlfriend.’

She seized Alec’s face and snogged him passionately. Alec flailed in surprise for a moment before he gave in to the kiss and slipped his arms around her waist. She ran one hand through his hair, tangling it in her fingers and he rocked her back and forth on his lap as they kissed. Rosie looked on, her lip curling in disgust, and peeled away the napkins Ellie had thrust upon her.

Ellie broke the kiss, leaving Alec dazed. Lipstick was smeared all around his mouth.

‘So if you don’t mind,’ Ellie went on, waving her hand dismissively. Rosie threw the wet napkins on the table in a huff. As she stalked away, she swung her handbag so it hit Alec in the head.

‘Ow,’ he said.

‘Floozy,’ Ellie growled after her, threading her fingers protectively through Alec’s hair. When she was gone, she stood up and put her hands on her hips. ‘Well, what do you have to say for yourself?’

Alec stared up at her. ‘You kissed me,’ he said dreamily.

‘You were flirting with another woman,’ Ellie accused, ‘in front of me!’

He looked confused. ‘She was just talking to me. Is that not allowed?’

‘No! You’re out with me! I took you out drinking! You can’t be flirting with - with drunken hussies when you’re with me!’

‘I wasn’t flirting! She just came up to me!'

‘Oh, like you had nothing to do with it, sitting here like a common whore, inviting all and sundry to have a go on you!’

Alec looked down at his neatly folded legs, then back up. 'What?'

‘Detective Inspector Alec Hardy indeed!’ Ellie continued. ‘You know what you are? Sergeant Slut! That’s all you are, Sergeant Slut breaking hearts! Well, what do I care? Go with Rosie if you want! Raise your horde of blonde, bearded circus freaks! I hope you’re very happy together!’

She marched from the room. Alec rose from the table and weaved crookedly through the crowd. ‘Ellie! El, wait!’

There was a tiny courtyard at the back of the bar where patrons could go to smoke; it was to this mercifully deserted place that Ellie fled. Closing the door and blotting out the din, she stood crying and wrapped her arms around herself.

Alec emerged after her. ‘Ellie,’ he said. He touched her shoulder and she jerked away from him.

‘Don’t touch me!’

‘What did I do wrong?’

‘Everything! Everything’s wrong! You with your stupid face and your soft hair and that… that _beard…’_ She punctuated the final word by pointing at the offending article. ‘You make me feel all funny inside and I hate it! I’m so confused!

She cried bitterly. Alec was dumbfounded. In a sober state he was ill-equipped to deal with raw displays of emotion; drunk, the situaton was hopeless. He wrung his hands helplessly.

A light drizzle was falling. As the moisture touched his face he became sensible of how cold it was in the open courtyard. Glancing up at the narrow strip of sky visible between the terrace buildings, he removed his jacket and placed it around Ellie’s shivering shoulders.

Ellie started. Slowly, she drew the jacket tight around her and buried her nose in the lapel. ‘It smells like you,’ she murmured. She started to cry even harder. ‘You’re nice. You’re so nice. You bastard, why are you always so nice to me?'

‘Sorry,’ he said, unsure of how else to respond.

‘You’re so nice,’ she continued, taking a step towards him. ‘And you smell so good. But you’re such a bastard. Why do I feel this way?’

She suddenly kissed him again and ran her hands through his hair. Pulling back with a gasp, she slapped him.

He clutched his face. His hair was a wild tangle above his shocked expression. ‘But _you_ kissed _me_!’ he protested.

‘Shut up!’

She seized his collar and kissed him again. He froze, unsure of what to do, then wrapped his arms around her and responded fiercely.

When they separated, Ellie buried her face in his chest and hugged him. He enveloped her, and she felt small enough to disappear into his embrace.

‘No more Sergeant Slut,’ she mumbled. ‘You’re mine. Tonight, you’re mine.’

‘I’m yours,’ he agreed.

Ellie returned his jacket and led him inside by his hand.

*

The next round of drinks quickly went to Ellie’s head. It wasn’t long before she took to the dance floor, and seeing Rosie and a few other women dancing seductively put the fire of competition into her. In her attempts to keep up with their sexy moves, she ended up stripping her trousers off and waving them around her head.

Even in his inebriated state, Alec recognised that this was not a good move and tried to intervene.

‘People are looking,’ he hissed. ‘Man people!’ He opened his jacket and stood with his back to her, trying to shield her from view. She showed no signs of clothing herself, so he tried to force her back into them. ‘El, come on, put your trousers on!’

‘How _dare_ you touch me!’ Ellie slurred, pointing a finger. ‘You are such a dickhead sometimes. You big city boy, standing there with your pants and your face, thinking you’re better than simple Broadchurch Ellie. Well, that hurts me, you know? It hurts. It hurts in here and -’ She dry-retched suddenly and clapped a hand over her mouth. Alec started towards her. ‘No, I’m good, I’m good.’ She heaved again. ‘I’m good!’ She blinked blearily and looked down. ‘Oh God. Who took my trousers?’

‘They’re in your hand.’ Alec grabbed her arm and held it up.

Ellie was mortified. She tried to cover herself with her hands. ‘Don’t look. Don’t look!’ she yelled. ‘Turn around!’

Alec did so and she struggled into them. Stepping crookedly on the seam, she slipped and tumbled sideways, upsetting a table and sending drinks flying everywhere. One of them doused Rosie, who shrieked and called for security.

Once more, Alec and Ellie found themselves ejected onto the street.

‘Don’t look!’ Ellie bellowed as she sat in the gutter and struggled with her trousers.

Alec stood guard, holding up his jacket to shield her from passers-by.

‘Nothing to see here. Move along please,’ he said in his best policeman’s voice.

*

Another pub, another round of drinks.

‘Oh God,’ Ellie said.

‘What?’ Alec asked.

‘Shh. Don’t look. It’s Brian.’

‘Who?’

‘Brian. You know.’ She leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, ‘Dirty Brian.’

‘Dirty Brian!’ Alec bellowed, snapping his head from side to side. ‘Where?’

‘Shh! I said don’t look! _Don’t_ look!’

She grabbed his neck and pulled his head down. They sat hunched at the bar, their foreheads touching.

‘I asked him out a while ago,’ she explained. ‘He turned me down. Haven’t been able to look at him since.’ Slowly, carefully, she glanced up. ‘He’s with a woman,’ she groaned. ‘That must be his girlfriend.

Alec was scandalised. ‘Dirty Brian turned _you_ down?’

‘Pretty bad, isn’t it?’ Ellie said gloomily. ‘I wish he was the only dating failure I’ve had.’

‘Men are dogs,’ Alec said. ‘Fuck them. Fuck everybody else. You’re beautiful, Ellie. You’re so beautiful and perfect, and if they can’t see it…’

‘Yeah,’ Ellie said. Her spirits rallied and she sat up straighter. ‘Yeah! I am wonderful!’

‘You’re a princess!’

‘And you’re a prince! And if no women can see that, then - then I’ll date you! Fuck everyone else!’

‘Yeah!’ Alec said more enthusiastically. ‘Fuck ‘em! We don’t need them! We’ll date each other!’

They started snogging passionately, upsetting one of the drinks in their haste to grope one another.

*

‘Hey,’ Alec said as they danced together. ‘Hey, look! Dirty Brian’s on the dance floor.’ He raised his voice to be heard above the music and yelled, ‘Oi! Brian! BRIAN!’

Brian looked over at them. Alec pointed to Ellie, who had one arm around his waist.

‘Check it out!’ he roared. ‘She’s with me now!’

‘Yeah!’ Ellie agreed, throwing a glance over her shoulder. ‘So don’t even try to come crawling back to me! I spit on your love!’

‘You had your chance! She’s riding the Alec train now!’

‘I’ve hitched myself to this caboose!’ Ellie yelled, slapping his arse.

Brian and his girlfriend stared, utterly mystified. Beyoncé’s _Single Ladies_ started playing and Alec and Ellie danced their way closer to him, their bodies grinding together. Beyoncé commanded them to put their hands up and they threw their hands up, and Ellie made eye contact with Brian as she suddenly grabbed Alec and snogged him.

‘Suck on that, Dirty Brian!’ Alec said triumphantly as they moved past.

Ellie made rude hand gestures and blew a raspberry.

‘Pfft. Loser. What kind of name is “Dirty” anyway?’ Alec said disparagingly. ‘What kind of sick person would name their child “Dirty”?’

Brian looked at his girlfriend and shrugged, as clueless as she was.

*

Having had enough of pubs for one night, Alec and Ellie ended up at a liquor store. They wandered through the shelves and giggled at the foreign names plastered on the bottles, then settled on a bottle of wine that had a monkey on it.

‘I’m sorry,’ the cashier said. ‘But I can’t serve you if you’re drunk.’

‘Drunk?’ Drunk?’ Ellie said, effecting a posh voice. ‘My good sir, I am not drunk. I may have had a snifter or two with my associate here,’ she paused to burp, ‘but I am not drunk.’

‘Of course, ma'am,' he said. 'But I still can’t do it. It’s illegal.’

‘Illegal!’ Alec scoffed. ‘Illegal, he says! My dear chap, I will have you know that we _are_ the law!’

‘That’s right,’ Ellie said, clapping her hand on Alec’s shoulder. ‘This here is -’ she hiccoughed, ‘Sergeant Slut. And I am…’

‘Officer Nasty,’ Alec pronounced.

They started giggling and leaned on each other for support.

‘I’m sure,’ the cashier said dryly. ‘But I still can’t serve you.’

Ellie put her hands on her hips. ‘Show him your badge, Sergeant,’ she said.

Alec whipped out his badge and held it upside down. The cashier’s eyes widened.

‘No way. You’re actually a detective?’

‘Correct,’ Ellie said. ‘So if you’ll excuse us, we need to take this bottle in for questioning.’

She seized the badge back, grabbed the wine, and threw down twenty quid on the counter before fleeing with Alec in tow. Stunned, the cashier let them go.

*

Alec and Ellie wandered crookedly through the streets. Ellie had prudently stolen Alec’s jacket, while Alec had his fringe tied into a fountain by one of Ellie’s pink hairties. They seemed to be incapable of moving unless they were touching one another, and alternated between holding hands and clinging to each other with all their might, their legs wobbling in tandem.

They meandered without purpose for a while until Ellie decided she wanted fish and chips and headed towards the chip shop. She navigated like a homing pigeon, flying on pure instinct.

‘Hey Alec,’ she said suddenly

‘What?’

‘Dare me to climb that telephone pole?’

‘No! Ellie, that’s dangerous!’

‘Dare me to?’

‘No! I don’t dare! Don’t climb it!’

Ellie pulled away from him and put her hands on her hips. ‘Don’t tell me what to do! Who do you think you are, my boss? I’m fucking climbing it, watch me.’

‘Ellie, _no,_ don’t climb the pole!’

‘Fucking watch me!’

‘Ellie, _please_ don’t! What if you die?’

Ellie started clambering up the pole.

‘Come back!’ Alec called futilely as she shimmied upwards. ‘Come down from there! El!’

About seven feet off the ground, Ellie grew still. ‘… Ah. Alec?’

‘Yes?’

‘I’m stuck.’

‘I told you not to climb it! Now what do we do?’

‘Don’t panic! Alec, don’t panic! Stop crying! Just stand under the pole.’

‘Why?’

‘Just stand there, you’re gonna catch me.’

‘But I failed P.E. in school!’

‘I’m bigger than a football, you’ll be fine. Are you ready?'

‘Yes. No. Yes. What if it hurts?’

‘Do you want me to die up here?’

‘No!’

‘I said stop crying! Focus! I’m losing my grip here!’

‘Wait! Wait.’ Alec put the wine down and positioned himself under her. ‘Okay. I’m ready.' He took a deep breath. 'You’re not heavy, you’re my Ellie. You will be light as a feather.’

‘I’ll go on the count of three, okay? One…’

Alec winced. 'I hope you know I’m only doing this because I love you!’

‘Two… _WHAT?_ ’

She slipped from the pole and crashed on top of him. They tumbled into the gutter.

‘I think you broke my back,’ Alec wheezed.

Ellie lifted her head and stared at him. ‘You love me?’

‘What? No! Who has been spreading these lies - this bilge - this filth! No! Just because I want to kiss you and marry you and be with you forever doesn’t mean I love you. Can’t a man be willing to do anything for a woman without being accused of loving her? Who told you that anyway? Was it Satan?’

‘You said it.’

‘I did?’

'Just now, you said it.'

‘Oh.’

They stared at each other.

'My heart hurts,' Alec complained.

'Yeah,' she whispered. 'Mine too.'

‘No, El, you’re sitting on my chest.’

'Oh yeah.' She eased herself off and he sat up next to her.

‘So - erm, what… what happens now?’

Ellie considered it. ‘Wanna make out some more?’

‘Absolutely.’

They sat in the wet gutter and snogged aggressively. Alec rucked up her shirt and warmed his cold hands on her breasts, making her squeal slightly. She left a trail of hickeys on his neck and gave his arse a sharp pinch.

Suddenly Ellie reared back. ‘What’s the time?’ she demanded.

Alec lifted his head from her purpling collarbone and licked his swollen lips. Pulling out his phone, he said, ‘11.45.’

Ellie leapt to her feet. ‘We have to go!’

‘Why?'

'There's no time to explain!'

'Ellie, wait,’ Alec said as she dragged him along. ‘Wait, I need to say something. I need you to know, I love you.'

'I know, yeah, that's great.'

'No, I mean I _love_ you. Properly. I -'

Ellie turned and gripped his face in her hands. ‘Alec, listen to me.’ She kissed him roughly. ‘I love you too. But the chip shop closes in fifteen minutes, so right now, we have to move.’

She grabbed the bottle of wine and forged ahead. Alec trailed after her, his hand tight in hers. He started to cry. ‘I love you. I love you so much.’

‘Alec!’ She shook him. ‘Listen, we have the rest of our lives to confess our undying love for each other, but only fifteen minutes until the chip shop closes! Now pull yourself together or so help me I will drop you like a sack of potatoes!’

The gravity of the situation dawned on Alec and he straightened his shoulders. 'To the chip shop!'

*

They took a taxi back to Broadchurch and sat on the beach to eat their fish and chips. The clouds had cleared, revealing a sickle moon and frozen stars. The ocean surged and foamed in front of them.

‘I hate the beach,’ Alec complained as he ate a chip. ‘I always get sand in my undercrackers.’

Ellie was drinking from the bottle and snorted so hard that wine spurted out her nose. ‘Undercrackers,’ she cackled. ‘Ow. Oh God, my nose burns.’

She wiped her face on the sleeve of Alec’s jacket, which was still firmly upon her person. A cold breeze made them shiver, and they huddled tightly together.

‘Fish?’ Ellie asked. Alec obligingly opened his mouth and she shoved half a piece of cod in.

‘Chip,’ Alec announced, and gently fed one to Ellie. He stroked her curly hair. ‘My tempestuous little Ellie. You’re so pretty.’

‘ _You’re_ pretty,’ Ellie insisted. ‘You’re like… if Cinderella was Scottish.’

‘A dream… is a wish… your heart makesss…’ Alec rumbled. Ellie’s ear was pressed to his chest and she giggled and shivered when the vibrations passed through her.

‘Hey, what _was_ your wish?’ Ellie asked as they continued to feed each other.

‘My wish?’

‘Your birthday wish.’

‘Uh-uh,’ he shook his head. ‘If you tell a wish, it won’t come true. Did you not watch the movie?'

‘Oh, go on. It’s only me. I won’t tell. I swear. Hope my heart and cross to die.’

‘Well… I wished…’ he paused, grasped her hand, and contemplatively sucked her middle and index fingers to get the salt and grease off them ‘I wished I could spend the rest of my birthdays with you and Daisy.’

‘Really?’ she wiped her fingers in his chest. ‘But I almost set you on fire.’

‘I know. But it’s nice when the people you love annoy you, or try to set you on fire, because… at least you’ve got people who love you.'

They started passing the wine back and forth and the stars dipped further towards the horizon.

‘You know what,’ Ellie declared, now slurring almost incomprehensibly. ‘We should get married.’

‘Oh my God, we should,’ Alec responded. ‘Beyoncé was right! I need to put a ring on it!’

‘And I’m a single lady!'

‘Not for much longer!’

He cast around for a ring and seized on a pineapple fritter.

‘Ellie Miller. Will you marry me?’

‘Yes!’

He forced the fritter on the end of her finger and they shared a sloppy, enthusiastic kiss.

‘Wait,’ Ellie said. ‘Ow. The oil’s burning my hand.’

The batter fell off and the fritter disintegrated. They shrugged.

‘Waste not, want not,’ Ellie said, and they ate it together.

‘I’ll get you a proper ring,’ Alec promised. ‘One with fifty diamonds! No, that’s unrealistic. A hundred!’

‘We’ll have a Spring wedding,’ Ellie said. ‘With flowers. And goats!’

‘Yes! Wait, goats?’

‘To be the ringbearers!’

‘Of course! I’m such a fool!’

‘It’s okay.’ She patted his cheek sympathetically. ‘I’m not marrying you for your smarts.’

‘But… but what if people say things?’

‘What people?’

‘People!’ Alec exclaimed, flapping his hand. ‘We’re just... strolling down the aisle to the sound of a Norwegian folk choir and exchanging vows under a fragranced rosy bough as our children watch on wearing cloth-of-gold dresses when suddenly – BAM!’

Ellie jumped.

‘Out come the papparizzi! Bursting from every corner! And they say – they say, you can’t get married! You – you can’t be happy! You’re the worst cop in Britain! You stand there, incontinently in love - daring to be happy! You filth!’

Saliva sprayed into the air as he pronounced the word 'filth.'

‘I’ll fight them!’ Ellie declared, bunching her hands into fists. ‘I’ll kick them all in the balls! They're not going to ruin my special day!’

‘But that’s when the lawyers come! And the baristas!’

‘Baristas!’ Ellie exclaimed.

‘Leaping from the skies! Like she-demons! Saying that we’ve been having an affair all this time!’

‘No!’

‘Yes!’

‘Well – we have to keep it a secret, then!’ Ellie said. ‘It must be a secret! A secret wedding!’

‘And it has to be now! We have to do it now, before they can stop us!’

‘Yes! We must! It’s the only way!’

They rose to their feet, and stumbled off into the night. As they finished the bottle of wine, the rest of the night descended into an incomprehensible blur.

*

The next morning Ellie was awoken by a bolt of sunlight hitting her in the face. Opening her eyes blearily, she looked around.

‘My head,’ she mumbled. ‘Oh Christ, my head.’

She winced, and it took several seconds for her vision to clear. She did not recognise her surroundings at all – it was a posh living room of some sort, with lilac walls and old textbooks scattered next to candles and vases.

‘The hell? Where am I?’ she muttered.

She looked down at herself. She was lying on the floor next to a couch, covered by a plush blanket. A man's arm was draped across her chest, and one of her breasts was caught fast in his hand. Looking over with dread, she saw that the arm was attached to none other than Detective Inspector Alec Hardy, who was lying face down next to her as though he were her husband.

Ellie closed her eyes, futilely hoping it was all a bad dream. But when she opened them again, the scene stayed the same.

She tried to stay calm. They were both clothed. Surely nothing had happened?

Alec shifted in his sleep, and unconsciously squeezed her boob.

‘Hardy,’ she said loudly, and he stirred and turned his head towards her. ‘Hardy!’

‘Hmmbgh?’

‘You have three seconds to explain what your hand is doing on my boob before I break it off.’

‘What?’ He squeezed again.

Ellie seized his hand and bent it backwards until he screamed.

‘Now, now, Ellie, is that any way to treat your new husband?’

An austere, amused voice floated over their heads. They squinted groggily upwards and Jocelyn appeared, clad in a purple silk dressing gown.

‘Jocelyn?’ Alec said.

‘Husband?’ Ellie squawked. ‘What the fuck is going on? Where are we?’

‘You’re at my house. Don’t you remember?’

‘No!’

‘My, you _did_ have quite a bit to drink, didn’t you?’ Jocelyn seated herself on the couch and crossed one leg over the other. ‘You showed up here at 3 AM last night demanding that I marry you.’

They stared at her in horror.

'What?' Alec croaked.

‘Is that them?’ a voice called. ‘Are our sleepyheads awake?’

Maggie entered the room bearing two cups of coffee, one of which she handed to Jocelyn.

‘Awake at last!’ she boomed, and Alec and Ellie winced. ‘How much do they remember?’

‘Not a lot, it seems,’ Jocelyn smiled as she took a sip. 'Mm. Beautiful, Maggie, thank you.'

‘Will you fill them in or shall I?’

‘You can do the honours, my dear.’

Maggie rubbed her hands together with glee. ‘Well!’ she exclaimed. ‘You showed up here at 3 AM and started pounding on our doors. When we answered, you informed us that you urgently needed Jocelyn to marry you before - what was it? – the “papparizzo” and the “baristas” could stop you.’

‘And – did you?’ Ellie asked, swallowing.

Jocelyn laughed. ‘You know as well as I do that I don’t have the authority to do that! But you were very insistent, so we ended up performing a mock ceremony to keep you happy.’

‘I took pictures!’ Maggie said. She pulled out her phone and scrolled through the photos.

Ellie looked very green. ‘Did anything – I mean,’ she swallowed hard. ‘We didn’t…’

‘Consummate the union?’ Jocelyn finished, delicately setting her cup back in the saucer. ‘Well, Ellie, _you_ certainly tried. You were quite amorous with poor Alec, but he kept insisting that you were a princess and that he would not so dishonour you while you were inebriated.’

‘And then Alec passed out in the trash and you threw up on him,’ Maggie supplied helpfully. ‘It quite killed the mood.’

Alec’s hand went to his hair and he found something crusty there. ‘I think I’m gonna be sick,’ he mumbled.

The bucket’s behind you!’ Jocelyn said quickly, pointing.

Ellie grabbed it and shoved it under Alec’s nose just as he vomited.

‘Oh God. Oh God,’ Ellie said, turning her head as far away as possible. The smell made her dry-heave.

Alec looked up. ‘We – erm, had a lot to drink last night,’ he croaked. ‘You understand, we weren’t quite ourselves.’

‘An excuse I’ve heard in court a thousand times before,’ Jocelyn said.

‘You won’t tell anyone about this, will you?’ Ellie pleaded as she wiped Alec’s chin with an old tissue.

‘I won’t. Maggie, on the other hand, _is_ a journalist. She rarely keeps a juicy news story to herself.’

‘We’ll pay,’ said Ellie desperately.

‘My silence can’t be bought,’ Maggie said primly. Then she laughed. ‘But don’t worry, I haven’t told anyone yet. Now get yourselves cleaned up. I’m doing a big fry-up. Should help with those thumping hangovers I’m sure you’ve got.’

She left, and Jocelyn rose to follow her.

‘The bathroom’s down the hall,’ she informed them, and left the pair alone.

*

An hour later, once the two of them had showered and breakfasted, they prepared for their long walk of shame home. Standing on the doorstep, they thanked Jocelyn profusely for her hospitality and understanding.

‘It’s quite all right,’ she said. ‘Just – don’t do it again.’

‘I’m never drinking again,’ said Alec, clutching a cold compress to his head.

‘I hope you know this means you owe us a favour now,’ Maggie called.

‘The police are at your service,’ Ellie said, bowing her head graciously.

They thanked them again and trudged down past the front gate.

‘You know,’ Jocelyn called after them, ‘the drunken vows you exchanged last night were actually quite sweet. If you ever do get married properly one day, I should be glad to come along.’

She smiled austerely and closed the door behind her. Alec and Ellie glanced at each other, then looked away, their cheeks burning, and walked on, separated by an invisible metre-wide barrier.

The walk back into town was a long one. Ellie tried to fill the silence.

‘Quite a night, huh?’

‘Don’t start, Miller.’ He patted his pockets. ‘You got your phone? I want to call Daisy.’

‘No battery,’ Ellie said. ‘We used it all up playing Candy Crush.’

Alec patted his pockets more vigorously. ‘I must’ve left my phone at Jocelyn’s,’ he said. ‘I can’t find it.’

‘Ah. No. You lost it.’

‘What? When?’

‘I – ah, I threw it at that guy’s head when he tried to take our taxi. Remember?’

‘No.’ He passed his hand over his face and groaned. ‘Perfect. Just perfect. Daisy’s probably worried sick about me. I said we’d be back by eleven.’

‘What’d you go and say that for?’

‘I thought it was just one drink!’

She muttered something about him being a daft prick. ‘Well, I told Tom we’d be back in the wee hours, but I mentioned to Mark and Beth we might not make it back til the next day, since the taxi service in the next town over is so unreliable. They promised to look in on the kids in the morning.’

Alec relaxed visibly, but he was still irritable. ‘I can’t believe you threw my phone away.’

‘Worth it,’ Ellie said. ‘That prick deserved it. I got him right in the eye, too.’

They trudged along in silence a little longer.

‘We should probably get Maggie and Jocelyn something to say thanks,’ Ellie said. ‘What’s an appropriate gift that says, "Sorry we turned up drunk at your house in the middle of the night and tried to get you to marry us, and also thanks for letting us sleep in your living room even though we threw up in your trash can?"’

‘Flowers and chocolates?’

‘I’ll visit the florist tomorrow.’

‘That was fun,’ Alec said after a while. ‘All things considered, I did have a lot of fun with you, Ellie.’

She couldn’t help smiling. ‘You’re a lot of fun when you’re drunk.’

‘About all the stuff we said… and did…’

‘Save it. We were drunk, we were lonely. Let’s just blame it on the booze, okay?’

He wet his lips carefully. ‘Can we really blame it… _all_ on the booze?’

She glanced at him.

‘We did try to get married last night,’ he went on. ‘I’ve done a lot of weird things when I was drunk, but never that.’ When she did not reply, he asked, ‘how much of what I said do you remember?’

‘Have you really not had sex in three years?’

He covered his face with his hand. ‘For God’s… after everything that happened last night, is that really what you want to talk about?’

‘Well?’

He muttered, 'it's true.'

‘Jesus.’

‘Shut up, Miller.’

‘Oh, so it’s Miller again, is it? I seem to recall someone singing a certain song to me.’ She cleared her throat and crooned:

 _“If you'll be my bodyguard_  
_I can be your long lost pal_  
_I can call you Ellie_  
_And Ellie when you call me_  
_You can call me Al.”_

She broke off with a laugh and he scowled.

‘You cannot call me Al,’ he said.

‘All right. Alec, then.’

She grinned, and he sighed.

*

When they returned home, they found Tom and Daisy glued to the Xbox. Huge grey bags under their eyes indicated that the teenagers had gotten about as much sleep as their hungover parents.

‘Jesus, you guys look like shit,’ Daisy said. ‘What happened to you last night?’

‘Don’t ask,’ Alec groaned.

‘Where’s Fred?’ Ellie asked.

‘With Mark and Beth,’ Tom said. ‘We’re gonna head over to their house for breakfast in a bit. Beth’s making pancakes, she’s just waiting for Mark to come back with the milk.'

‘We wanted to beat level 37 first,’ Daisy explained.

‘You’ve been playing it all night, haven’t you?’ Alec put his hands on his hips. ‘I thought you agreed not to stay up late.’

‘And you said you’d be back by 11, so I guess that makes us both liars,’ Daisy replied. Her phone dinged and she checked it. ‘That’s Chloe,’ she announced. ‘The pancakes are ready!’

Tom saved the game and the two excitedly barreled down the stairs.

‘Are you guys coming?’ Tom bellowed.

‘We’ll be right behind you,’ Ellie said. ‘We just need to get changed first. Tell Mark and Beth we'll be over soon!'

‘Okay,’ Daisy said. ‘I’ll get Beth to save you some pancakes!’

The teenagers ran out, jostling and shoving each other.

‘Thank God for Mark and Beth,’ Alec sighed, and he and Ellie went their separate ways to get changed.

They convened in the dining room, now nicely dressed and looking passably human. Ellie cracked an Alka Seltzer into a glass of water, then did another for Alec.

'Cheers,' Alec muttered, sitting down and clinking his fizzing glass with hers. Once he'd drained it, he looked at her and said, 'ready?'

‘Yes. Wait!’ Ellie started suddenly. ‘I just remembered. I got you a little something. I forgot to give it to you yesterday.’

She left the room. ‘It’s just a joke gift,’ she called, ‘since my real gift was taking you out yesterday.’

'And what a gift that was,' he muttered.

She returned with a bag of grapes and a card.

‘Surprise!’ she said with a sheepish smile.

‘Grapes,’ Alec said, deadpan.

‘Hoped you might choke on the seeds.’

‘They’re seedless.’

Ellie let out a low laugh and blushed. With a shake of his head, Alec opened the envelope resting atop the bag.

It was a simple Hallmark card. A picture of a chimp blowing out candles was on the front. He opened it.

_Dear Alec,_

_Happy birthday to the worst cop in Britain!_

_Here’s hoping for many more birthdays to come._

There followed a crude drawing of a heart with a band-aid over it. The message concluded with the words,

_Love,_

_Ellie._

_XX._

He lowered the card and looked at her. Her cheeks were burning now and she couldn’t make eye contact with him.

‘Thank you,’ Alec said sincerely. ‘Thanks for everything yesterday.’

‘The whole thing was a disaster,’ she sighed.

‘My birthday is always a disaster. But as far as disasters go, that was one of the better ones.’

'Well. Then I'll be sure to ruin your next birthday as well.'

He found her hand on the table and squeezed it. She looked up, her eyes soft.

‘You know,’ she said, 'if you were to ask me out on a date now, I’d say yes.’

Alec blinked at her. ‘Do you want to go out with me?’ he blurted.

‘Yes. What do you fancy?'

‘Anything. Whatever you want to do.’

‘Breakfast with the Latimers?’

‘Done.’

Ellie rose from her chair and bent over him. She cupped the back of his head. Her thumb stroked his bearded cheek and she kissed him softly.

They headed to the door. As she pulled on her coat, Ellie stifled a giggle.

'After you, Sergeant Slut,' she said, trying to keep a straight face as she gestured to the door.

'Oh no, Officer Nasty, after you,' he rejoined without missing a beat.

Ellie laughed. 'We're never going to live last night down, are we?'

'Probably not,' he replied in a tone that told her he thought it was worth it.

She locked the door behind them and they walked arm-in-arm up the hill towards the Latimers' house.

**Author's Note:**

> Credit where credit is due, the first pub scene was inspired by the drunken sequence from The Heat. The use of the song You Can Call Me Al was inspired by an anon message sent to me on tumblr. The cake scene, unfortunately, was inspired by real life. You're welcome, Nikki. I know you won't be forgetting that birthday in a hurry.


End file.
